“Thank God for Beyonce. If Ms. Bootylicious can get back into shape a day after giving birth, there is definitely hope for me and my before pregnancy kwashiorkor belly. Pregnancy here I come!”
“What if it doesn’t fit? What if I don’t like my baby or worse, my baby does not like me? It’s not like I can return it… I once returned bread at HEB because I forgot I started the Atkins Diet that morning. There were no issues relating to my return and I was forever grateful. I am a HUGE, HUGE fan of return policies. I simply cannot make purchases without them. And a baby is a major purchase, hence, my barren state.”
“If I get off birth control, I wonder if my seventeen year old pimply face will reappear once again. Oh dear, I cannot go back there. I cannot be fighting pimples and wrinkles at the same time. Is having a baby worth all of this. I really should consider adopting”.
“I cannot wait! Hopefully I birth my best friend. Don't tell anyone, but I really did have an affinity for the show, Gilmore Girls. God, please let me have a girl. Specifically, let me have one that appreciates the beauty and simplicity of a Halston and the glittery, sexy hoopla of a Versace. I need someone to inherit, WITH A HAPPY FACE, all the shit I have spent my money on. Since I no longer have any left to leave much of an inheritance. ”
"My nipples-- specifically sucking on my nipples-- is my gateway for great sex. How the hell am I supposed to be comfortable with the idea of using them to breast feed an infant?"
“God, I cannot wait for maternity leave! Shit... I cannot wait to pull a Jessica Simpson and eat a football field's worth of food during my pregnancy.”
“Yes, I am married. And I think my husband is the cat’s meow. But I also feel it will be a disservice to my unborn child, if I do not visit a couple of sperm banks to check out their selections. It’s a possibility that they might have a better selection than what my husband’s traits are offering and I want my children to have all the advantages they can possibly have, starting with genetics. ”
“I’m the politician of child birth, a flip flopper like no other. On certain days I cannot wait to parade around with a mini me, ala Halle. And then on other days, I will rather spend my monies on child free European vacations and not on daycare and ballet classes. I really just don't know about it all..."
“I guess it’s time. No marching band, no fireworks, and no inner heart parties saluting my decision. It’s just flat line me…well… such as life!”