Thursday, June 7, 2012

Thoughts to Expect When You're Thinking of Expecting

It happened. You “landed” your prince charming, had your fairytale wedding, and even “closed” on your castle.  The only thing left now is to fill your new castle with the patter of little feet. Or so you’ve heard.  You do want children and so… you know it is time.  Even your UPS guy thinks it’s time.  And if for some reason you refuse to acknowledge him and his friendly chatters that always end with “thinking of babies yet?” There are articles, movies, and your omnipresent family, reminding you— always—that you are fast approaching the age where your eggs will be dried up.  They remind you, in no slight manner, that at your age, you might no longer be a candidate for a scientific free conception.  Yes… you are well aware it’s time. 
However, for some reason, you are not 100% sure you want to get off birth control or start planning your life around your ovulation cycle.   You’ve always thought you will have children-- someday.  You ask yourself, why the hesitation, why the ambivalence?  Why isn’t it all disco flashbulbs when thoughts of having children creep into your head?  You worry you might be missing a gene.  And you very well might be.  But as your modern day fairy god mother, I only have sparkle dust news; so I will venture to say, there is probably nothing wrong with you.  And I can say this because, over the years, I have rounded up some Thoughts to Expect When You're Thinking of Expecting from conversations with other women that are in your exact position.  It seems ambivalence and not so Mother Theresa thoughts regarding childbirth are very prevalent.  We are just not talking about it.  So here you go; and… you are welcome:

“Growing up, Riding in Cars with Boys was always followed by Praying without ceasing.  How am I supposed to now want pregnancy, when I have spent a better part of my life asking God not to make me pregnant?  

“Thank God for Beyonce.  If Ms. Bootylicious can get back into shape a day after giving birth, there is definitely hope for me and my before pregnancy kwashiorkor belly. Pregnancy here I come!”

“What if it doesn’t fit? What if I don’t like my baby or worse, my baby does not like me? It’s not like I can return it…  I once returned bread at HEB because I forgot I started the Atkins Diet that morning. There were no issues relating to my return and I was forever grateful.  I am a HUGE, HUGE fan of return policies. I simply cannot make purchases without them. And a baby is a major purchase, hence, my barren state.” 

“If I get off birth control, I wonder if my seventeen year old pimply face will reappear once again. Oh dear, I cannot go back there.  I cannot be fighting pimples and wrinkles at the same time. Is having a baby worth all of this.  I really should consider adopting”.

 “I cannot wait! Hopefully I birth my best friend.  Don't tell anyone, but I really did have an affinity for the show, Gilmore Girls.  God, please let me have a girl. Specifically, let me have one that appreciates the beauty and simplicity of a Halston and the glittery, sexy hoopla of a Versace.  I need someone to inherit, WITH A HAPPY FACE, all the shit I have spent my money on. Since I no longer have any left to leave much of an inheritance.  ”  

"My nipples-- specifically sucking on my nipples-- is my gateway for great sex.  How the hell am I supposed to be comfortable with the idea of using them to breast feed an infant?"

 “God, I cannot wait for maternity leave! Shit... I cannot wait to pull a Jessica Simpson and eat a football field's worth of food during my pregnancy.”

“Yes, I am married. And I think my husband is the cat’s meow. But I also feel it will be a disservice to my unborn child, if I do not visit a couple of sperm banks to check out their selections.  It’s a possibility that they might have a better selection than what my husband’s traits are offering and I want my children to have all the advantages they can possibly have, starting with genetics. ”

“I’m the politician of child birth, a flip flopper like no other.  On certain days I cannot wait to parade around with a mini me, ala Halle.  And then on other days, I will rather spend my monies on child free European vacations and not on daycare and ballet classes. I really just don't know about it all..."

“I guess it’s time.  No marching band, no fireworks, and no inner heart parties saluting my decision.  It’s just flat line me…well… such as life!”

Ava and Friends


  1. Now you need to do a segment on "What wanna be Grandmother's are thinking about expectancy".

    1. Do you intend on providing me with material?