A proposed two weeks notice written for me by a friend. Apparently, I have been complaining mercilessly about my ex job...
It is with great sadness and heavy heart that I offer this submission of formal resignation from my post as Senior Associate. After much soul searching, heavy imbibing of spirits and consultation with my spiritual advisor the esteemed Mahatma Rashneesh de Jesus, I have come to the conclusion that I must continue my professional journey elsewhere (or perhaps not at all).
Please do not take this resignation as a negative reflection upon your firm. I have enjoyed my experience here immensely (not), but I must be moving on. You see, I have never felt quite at home here – in this environment or this city. Seattleites are, well, both boring and passive (I know you’re seething inside at this insult, but you’ll likely just bottle it up and use it as inspiration for your next open mike poetry night at the local Starbucks). As a result, I must return to my homelands – Ghana where I can frolic barefoot in the open tundra of Northern Africa, free from the confines of society and functioning bathrooms – and Houston, where I can stuff face with all manner of fried foods while I wander the streets unmolested by lust-filled eyes in my favorite short shorts.
Do not try to stop me. Please, no passive-aggressive Seattle guilt trips. My decision has been made. My last day will be August 31st and I promise to show up every working day until then, although we all know I won’t be motivated to accomplish much other than attend the perfunctory “we’ll miss you” lunches and obligatory going away party (I prefer chocolate cake).
P.S. Also, I am pregnant. Twins, actually. Please start the standard office pool to guess my due date. I’ll take my half of the pot up front since I won’t be here to collect.
P.S.S. The baby is not Justin’s. I think it might actually be the offspring of one of your partners here (not sure which partner yet). If so, we can work the paternity payment into my final check."
Truly written by a somewhat witty person.