Born with a good amount of self-confidence, an apparent trait in most people of African descent, I find it necessary to sporadically engage in confidence diffusers in order to successfully inhabit our world of encouraged self-loathing.
My confidence diffuser of choice usually arrives promptly, every month, in the form of my Vogue subscription. However, there are some moments in life, like in December, when the Victoria Secret fashion show comes on television, or anytime Jolie, Berry, or Ms. Knowles decide to increase their public appearances, where, I unwillingly get more than my monthly dose of self confidence diffuser and slip right into an overdose state of self loathing.
Per societal norms, my plunge into self hatred is in direct relation to how much I am liked by others. The more self doubt I cultivate in a given period, the more I am liked. It is understandable, really, who wants to have lunch with the Lil Kim's (circa early 2000) and Kardashians (circa now) of the world? An oversized ego just does not go well with a Caesar salad.
This has led to an addiction of sorts where I go chasing after additional confidence diffusers. My current relapse was when I agreed to attend the famous French cabaret show at LIDO in the Champs- Elysees. Lessons learned are listed below and in no particular order:
This has led to an addiction of sorts where I go chasing after additional confidence diffusers. My current relapse was when I agreed to attend the famous French cabaret show at LIDO in the Champs- Elysees. Lessons learned are listed below and in no particular order:
1) Throwing one's legs high up in the air so it can touch your nose or your neighbor's nose is a true sign of sexiness-this action must be repeated over a hundred times for any production where you want to come out on top. Be it foreplay, an argument with your significant other, or a job interview; a leg up in the air is always a portal to upcommance. I am doomed since I can barely touch my toes.
2) My stomach is not ideal and sucking in is a waste of energy; this part of the human anatomy can actually be concave without the help of photoshop so there is no use in trying
3) My breasts are also not ideal. I never gave this a lot of thought but I bet a man my age has probably seen more breasts than I have-I am a woman, I do not go around looking at breasts. It was this lack of experience that had me thinking I had a decent rack. Thanks to LIDO and the endless topless French women, I am now acutely aware of my shortcomings
4) The French will always win in fashion
Please do not worry about my welfare as I am now extremely popular with a highly coveted social life. Also, as someone who never sees the glass as half empty, I learned at this production that singing is overrated. If one can successfully apply red lipstick and mimmick the perfect pout, you can one day headline your own cabaret show. I have been practicing ever since- I need my "mojo" back. Of course, this means I will slip down on the likable odometer and will have to start the cycle over again.
For the occasion, I wore a red Dior dress and a vintage snake belt
tres fantastique madame Faye.
ReplyDeleteyou are absolutely adorable! said in a non biased tone.
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