Saturday, January 22, 2011

Rhett...Rhett Butler, wherefore art thou?

"Here's a soldier of the South who loves you, Scarlett. Wants to feel your arms around him, wants to carry the memory of your kisses into battle with him. Never mind about loving me, you're a woman sending a soldier to his death with a beautiful memory. Scarlett! Kiss me! Kiss me... once..." (Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler

And the women sighed longingly...We miss you Rhett!

A while back a friend of mine met a beautiful guy with an intoxicating swagger--within a week, their inboxes, both phone and email, were filled with flirty messages from each other making Facebook “friending” this early on not at all whorish (We all know Facebook is currently the modern woman's tits and ass portfolio).  With their new "relationship" butterflies propelling like a jet engine, Mr. Swagger officially asked her out.  Outfits were purchased, hair and nail appointments scheduled, and carbohydrates were once again relinquished to the depths of hell.  He later called to delegate the date planning duties to her.  She, still being on a butterfly high, went against everything her mama taught her and planned the date joyously.  However, she became rightfully flabbergasted and canceled the date when he asked that she "come scoop" him up for the date because it was not convenient for him to drive.  
Her point: I remember a time when men planned dates to make an impression, a time when my date's car pulled into my driveway without honking, and a time when doors were being opened on my behalf. Not only did my date refuse to do any of that, he wanted to pimp a ride.  "At least offer to pick me up so I can respectfully turn you down due to all the Life time movies that has left me wary of anyone but my mum knowing where I live."  

Men behaving... shall I say " blahly", are, unfortunately, not isolated incidents in these times--my Friday nights are being constantly filled with stories beginning but not limited to: A successful man who complained about paying a $4 toll to a concert his date paid for; a man who flipped his non existent long hair more than his date (and she has been known to toss her brunette mane past the point of acceptable one too many times); a friend being called a slut and a dirty whore by her date because she refused to sleep with him (it was their second date), and a man crying during a date because he left his injured bird at home. From my understanding, he accidently shut the door on the bird's toes, not a life threatening ordeal, but this gentleman just could not hold back the tears.
The prevalence of such stories among my single friends led me on a search to understand why some men are in desperate need of a How to guide on being dateable or at the very least, a boxed DVD set of Gone with the Wind.

As always, I looked to pop culture/the media for some explanations and excuses for these men and uncovered some breaking news: The Dirty Harry's of the world are nearly extinct.  In their place are now testosterone diffusers- like below- that leave women with men that will "go dutch" on a date rather than spend the night figuring out how to increase the butterfly quotient in their stomachs:

1.  Chris Brown--The nature of his crime got him on this list.  I know America loves a comeback but  there are some spineless acts that does not deserve it 

2.  Hair gel--contrary to what the cast of Jersey shore might think, porcupine hair does not get you laid by a diseased free woman

3.  Manscaping of eyebrows--only caveat being if you have a uni-brow

4.  Spanx for men--I am not making this up, I saw an infomercial for this one morning

5.  Men who smell like flowers--there needs to be a distinction between your cologne and my perfume.  Smell can act as an aphrodisiac; do not ruin it by smelling like my best friend.  

6.  A miniature anything--your dog should be able to bark without it sounding like a hyena

7.  Manorexia

8.  Tanning as an activity--a man should only get a tan the manly man way, i.e. gardening, construction, sex in the sun, sports; really, try anything that involves sweat and not just a beach towel.

9.   Highlights--so now not only have you traded in your barber for a hair stylist that conditions and massages your scalp, you seem to have traded your balls in for blond tips.

10.  And drum roll please… my biggest all time pet peeve, men who cry gold diggers-Let us just get this out of the way, if your income does not place you in the 35% or above tax bracket, your gold is buried way too deep for a logical woman to spend their energy digging. She is not after your “gold” if she expects you to pay for dinner and drinks on your first date and does not consider Chili’s an adequate location to wine and dine her.
I am sure she did not show up on the date in her pajamas and she probably took the time to get a blow out. Hence, she deserves to go to a place with materials as napkins without being branded a gold digger. 
It will be very easy to blame the tarnished behavior of these modern men on the feminist movement (i.e. our parents dispensed all their energy raising us girls so we can become supreme court judges but then forgot or were too tired to raise the boys), so, I say, why not?  Let's blame it on the feminist movement until someone with a better degree comes along with researched justifications.  
On the other hand, the popularity of the Coen brothers’ movie, True Grit, a remake of an old Western with the same title could be a sign of upcoming change.  I have not had a chance to see it, and from the little research I did on it I am betting it is not The Notebook--but it is a Western-- and as with most Westerns, the men can be drunkards and hooligans but they sure know how to treat a lady.
So to all the single women out there... here's to hoping. 
PS: Leaving home to go see True Grit, shall let you know if it will indeed be the star to our saviour's arrival


  1. Let me just say, AMEN! How can I be a gold-digger when I handle ALL of my own business?

    I really can't stand mincing little boys. Blech. I just want to slap them all and tell them to stand up and be MEN!

  2. Telisia, that is the cry of all women-men, please be men!